While we’re all shopping online or rushing to the shops to get the perfect gift this Christmas, why not gift yourself with the ultimate orgasm?
Orgasm anxiety is on the rise for women in heterosexual relationships, according to relationship and sex expert, Tracey Cox.
The sexpert revealed that “stress and anxiety,” is the reason behind why “58%” of women are unable to orgasm with their partner.
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Although many women find it difficult to orgasm with a partner, the majority of women, have no problem climaxing solo, which Cox said is thanks to the “invention and normalising of vibrators.”
Most women do not struggle with reaching orgasm on their own, especially when a vibrator is used, for two reasons according to Tracy:
- one: “vibration is one of the most effective ways to stimulate the clitoris”
- two: “Simply having someone there watching you and involved in the process of making you orgasm means performance anxiety.”
There are many expectations around sex and when you delve into them, you can start to see why so many women struggle in their pursuit of climaxing with their partner.
Some of these unrealistic expectations include: all women should be able to be able to orgasm from penetration alone, and all women should cum every time they have sex.
The 62-year-old revealed that only “20 percent” of women can climax from penetration alone, because it simply, “does not provide enough stimulation of the inner and outer clitoris” to cause an orgasm.
The expert also said also said it’s not true that women should be orgasming every time they have sex, explaining that just because most men do, doesn’t automatically mean most women do too.
The reason this feature focuses on women in heterosexual relationships, is because there is a much lower rate of orgasm anxiety within lesbian couples.
The relationship guru goes on to say that: “women understand that orgasms aren’t as automatic for us as they are for men, so they aren’t offended if it doesn’t happen.”
Tracy has given a list of the most common reasons she sees when women come to her with their struggles to climax with their male counterparts, and some helpful tips on how to solve them:
1: Not being able to relax with your partner
Tracey said the number one reason behind women’s struggle to climax is they find it hard to relax, as they are worried about “how they’re looking and how they’re performing.”
The expert explained, to let go during sex and reach orgasm, you must not, “spend every session ‘spectatoring’ (watching yourself critically), it’s unlikely to be fun or satisfying.”
A top tip she had for readers, to stop their brains wandering off and to remain present in the moment, was to practise mindful sex.
She said: “Make eye contact with your partner, look at their body, tell them how good what they’re doing feels. The more active in bed you are, the less likely you are to go down the rabbit hole of anxiety.”
Adding: “If you find yourself being self-critical (Oh my God, my stomach’s jiggling in this position), say something out loud to break the spell. ‘That feels amazing’ or ‘You look so sexy right now’. If that sounds too hard, take a few deep breaths, mentally saying to yourself, ‘Breathe in, breathe out’ and guide yourself back to the moment.”
2: Feeling pressure to orgasm
Often, it can be our partner’s eagerness to please that can stop the orgasm from happening.
Although we all want our partners to enjoy having sex with us, men can take the lack of an orgasm as a personal insult.
Tracy explains that there is also elements of “ego” and “insecurity” in bed with us, and that: “giving you an orgasm is a testament to his manhood: a stamp of approval that he’s a good lover, he knows what he’s doing.”
“The pressure of knowing your partner, “needs you to orgasm to prove himself adequate as a lover is the equivalent of throwing a bucket of cold water over the bed,” she added.
To solve this problem, Tracy said women must focus on their own feelings and sensations, and not be concerned with their partner’s feelings as much.
She also added that women must be honest with their partner and say something along the lines of, “Look, I really like/love you, but you need to move away from measuring the success of our sex by whether I’ve orgasmed or not.”
Tracey recommends explaining the female orgasm to him and how it “requires you to be in a certain head space” and that, “him constantly asking ‘Have you had one yet?’ and sulking if you don’t, interferes with your ability to both focus and relax.”
3: Not knowing what they are doing and/ or not telling them what you need
There are many men out there who don’t know where to start when it comes to bringing a woman to orgasm, enthusiasm doesn’t make up for technique.
Many women are too shy to say what they want in the bedroom and some feel telling them would hurt their partners, which they want to avoid at all costs.
The sexpert explains the latter to telling the truth is much worse- a lifetime of bad sex and resentment.
She said: “The alternative to not speaking up is a lifetime of bad sex with this person. It might not feel like it matters if your interest in sex is low, but it does…/Not getting pleasure out of sex but being expected to do it to please him builds resentment.”
Tracey explains that even if you feel you’re too far down the rabbit hole, you can still get yourself out by saying things like; “Do you know what? I normally love the way you give me oral sex/touch me with your fingers but something feels different.”
If you have never been able to orgasm, even on your own, you should start there, because you need to know what to tell him.
Tracey recommends any women in this situation, “start by using a vibrator so you have an idea what you’re aiming for. It’s then a matter of training yourself to masturbate with your fingers and then sharing all this with your partner.”
4: Stressing about not having one
Sex is about more than orgasming, it is also about feeling pleasure. To take some of the pressure off you and your partner, try viewing it from a different perspective- an orgasm is a bonus not a necessity.
Tracey’s solution, to feeling hopeless when you get close but then lose it, is to let go of the negative thoughts and try to remain zen.
She said, feeling hopeless when you get close and lose momentum is normal, but to avoid getting bogged down by it, “When this happens, the natural reaction is to get stressed. Start tormenting yourself with, ‘That’s it. This is going to happen every single time and I’ll never have one’ and you’ll set up even more psychological roadblocks.”
She added, “Instead, trying consciously letting all negative thoughts go, and decide to simply enjoy being stimulated. The more zen you can be about the experience, the more chance you have of having regular orgasms.”
