Robbie Williams has revealed his life “spiralled out of control so severely” during his battle with addiction.
In his new, self-titled Netflix series, the former Take That member admitted that he turned to a bottle of vodka each night before going to band rehearsals.
The 49-year-old also opened up about becoming very “vengeful” and “jealous” of his bandmate Gary Barlow.]
Recalling his addiction struggles, Robbie said: “I was ingesting everything I could get my hands on – ecstasy, cocaine, drinking.”
“I’m literally drinking like a bottle of vodka a night before going into rehearsals, so that’s happening every night.”
“We are looking at somebody in free fall, addicted to cocaine and alcohol. It’s impossible to help myself, it’s impossible to stop.”
“I don’t think there’s a chance to feel anything other than hungover and then not hungover because you are yet again in the process of creating a future hangover.”
Robbie continued: “Everybody knew I was in trouble, but they didn’t care, I’d gone past the point of no return. My life had spiralled out of control so severely that my manager understood what needed to happen, I needed to be carted off to rehab.”
“I used to drink and do drugs because it helped me not feel this way, when you strip that away all the everything comes up that you’ve been suppressing and I’ve been suppressing that for years. I’m depressed and I’m mentally ill.”
The singer, who was diagnosed with depression in his early twenties, explained: “People at this point still thought that if good things are happening to you and you’re successful, what is there to be upset about?”
“I had to go on stage in front of thousands of people feeling like you’re on the hundredth floor, the room’s burning and you either stay in the room or burn to death or you jump out of the window to your death. It’s that uncomfortable.”
Speaking about his bandmate Gary, Robbie admitted that he “wanted to make him pay” as he was jealous of his career and talents.
The dad-of-four said: “I disliked Gary the most because he was the one that was supposed to have everything and the career and I wanted to make him pay. I was vengeful.”
“It seemed to be one person managing Take That and it was Gary Barlow – it was all geared around him.”
“And as a young person I would have been jealous of that. A lot of me resented him. I was going home from those days thinking this is weird and uncomfortable. It’s lord of the flies stuff.”
Robbie apologised to Gary for infamously saying that he was “dead” and calling him a “p****” on stage, saying: “I’m sorry that I treated Gary like that.”
Elsewhere in the docuseries, the singer’s wife Ayda Field opened up about her experience dealing with his drug addiction, and an occasion on which he relapsed.
“We just talked all night,” the mum-of-four said. “He had just relapsed and it was my entry way into addiction.”
“You wouldn’t notice his personality change but he would just throw up while watching TV. I didn’t know someone could have an addiction that would be deadly. I remember that being really scary because I was liking this person a lot.”
