Ashley Cain has opened up about his battle with suicidal thoughts following the death of his daughter Azaylia.
The Ex on the Beach star’s eight-month-old baby died on April 24 last year, following a battle with a rare and aggressive form of leukemia.
Taking to Instagram on Sunday, the 31-year-old candidly spoke about his mental health struggles as he defended himself from online trolls who slammed him for going on a night out with his friends.
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He wrote in a lengthy statement: “In these picture I could be driving my friend’s car because I am the only one not drinking. I could’ve called up my cousin to borrow his jeans while my other friends maybe lent me their coat and a pair of trainers.”
“One of my other pals could’ve even put this watch on my wrist to make me feel special as I haven’t worked in over a year while I took care of my daughter before setting up her foundation after devastatingly losing her followed by grieving her loss.”
“Maybe I am even borrowing a smile because my eyes tell a different story and I know that soon I will have to trade happiness back again for the pain that aches my heart.”
“Maybe I just wanted to try and enjoy myself for one evening and replace the suicidal thoughts I have everyday since my daughter passed away in my arms with an attempted happy couple of hours.”
Ashley continued: “Maybe I have more illness in my family that I chose not to mention because it is too tough to deal with after losing my daughter and my grandma in such quick succession.”
“Maybe all of the above is true, or maybe just parts of it. But to quantify that, unless you are me, you will never really know. I try to be a pillar of strength for myself, for Safiyya, for my family and my friends. Even for my followers watching me going through their own problems.”
“But I feel the stronger I am, the more people judge, the more people attack and the more they try and bring me down. You couldn’t believe what trolling, harassment and bribery people try to use against me on a daily basis. What horrendous lengths people go to in regards to personal attacks on my daughter, myself and everyone close to me.”
“Sometimes I feel like the only way these people who don’t even know me will stop, is if I kill myself.”
He wrote: “They don’t understand the pain I am going through and the consequences their actions have on everyone around me. I am a person with a past who is trying to be better.”
“As I write this I remain calm as I am not afraid of death, neither will my path be altered because of hate. I am not doing this for validation, I am doing this through love, heartbreak and passion.”
“I am however hurt that people want to go to all lengths of bitterness and hatred, speculation and variations of lies to discredit a person trying to smile, trying to be better, trying to keep his daughters name alive and trying to make a difference for childhood cancer, mental health and the warriors who are fighting it.”
“Maybe one day people will understand, maybe they won’t. Maybe by the time they do, it will be too late. Maybe they will read this and think more wisely how to spend their time.”
“Maybe they will understand now why I have to go to the extreme lengths I do, why it is so important to me and to those around me why I have to. There is a lot of maybes here but there’s one thing for certain…”
“Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil,” Ashley concluded the post.
A host of stars took to the comment section to show their support for Ashley, including Ferne Cotton who wrote: “You never ever have to explain your pain or the full extent of your life to anyone Ashley.”
“You and Safiyya have generously let us all into your world and shared your story to help so many others. You have built a beautiful community of people who truly care. Only take note of those. They are the only comments that count. 🙏🏼🧡”
Giovanni Fletcher commented: “So many have nothing but love and respect for you. We can never control the minds of others and trying to reason with those few voices is often a waste of our energy – you have brilliant energy that you are doing so much good with. SO MUCH LOVE is swirling around because of you! 🧡 xx”
Calum Best wrote: “Brother here always ! f*** the people that don’t know , you know urself , you shouldn’t have to deal with any outside opinions of what u do in life let alone what u do to help others.
“It’s a serious weight to carry what ur going through and anybody who questions ur motives, reasoning , spendings or whatever it may be is a low form of human . Know this as we spoke on it , ur loss takes over any amount raised , the fact u choose to do well with money raised is a credit to u but these pricks should not make u feel like u need to justify any moves or that u can’t live ur life cause of where they think it’s going.”
“That is ur choice and urs alone on top of already dealing with some of the worst pain we know as humans , grieving . Much love from me to u and urs brother.”
