Will Smith has revealed he once contemplated killing his father to “avenge” his mother.
In an excerpt from the actor’s new memoir ‘Will’ published by PEOPLE, the 53-year-old opened up about his childhood in Philadelphia and his relationship with his late father Will Sr.
He wrote: “My father was violent, but he was also at every game, play, and recital. He was an alcoholic, but he was sober at every premiere of every one of my movies. He listened to every record. He visited every studio. The same intense perfectionism that terrorized his family put food on the table every night of my life.”
“When I was nine years old, I watched my father punch my mother in the side of the head so hard that she collapsed. I saw her spit blood. That moment in that bedroom, probably more than any other moment in my life, has defined who I am,” the Fresh Prince of Bel-Air star continued.
“Within everything that I have done since then — the awards and accolades, the spotlights and attention, the characters and the laughs — there has been a subtle string of apologies to my mother for my inaction that day. For failing her in the moment. For failing to stand up to my father. For being a coward.”
“What you have come to understand as ‘Will Smith,’ the alien-annihilating MC, the bigger-than-life movie star, is largely a construction – a carefully crafted and honed character – designed to protect myself. To hide myself from the world. To hide the coward.”
Will’s parents separated when he was a teenager and divorced in 2000.
Despite maintaining a close relationship with his father, who was diagnosed with cancer, the actor revealed that his anger stemming from that childhood incident surfaced again decades later while he was caring for him.
He wrote: “One night, as I delicately wheeled him from his bedroom toward the bathroom, a darkness arose within me. The path between the two rooms goes past the top of the stairs.”
“As a child I’d always told myself that I would one day avenge my mother. That when I was big enough, when I was strong enough, when I was no longer a coward, I would slay him.”
The Bad Boys star continued: “I paused at the top of the stairs. I could shove him down, and easily get away with it. As the decades of pain, anger, and resentment coursed then receded, I shook my head and proceeded to wheel Daddio to the bathroom.”
After his father died in 2016, Will reflected on their turbulent relationship and what it taught him about finding true fulfillment.
He wrote: “There is nothing that you can receive from the material world that will create inner peace or fulfillment. In the end, it will not matter one single bit how well [people] loved you — you will only gain ‘the Smile’ based on how well you loved them.”
Will’s memoire is out on November 9.
