Jeremy McConnell has claimed that he ‘should be dead’ in his shocking first interview since entering rehab back in March.
The controversial reality star opened up about his battle with drugs and alcohol, and revealed what triggered his relapse two weeks ago.
In a tearful interview with The Sun Online, Jeremy explained what led him to such a dark place.
“The stuff I’ve seen, the stuff I’ve done… I’m surprised I’m not dead with the way I’ve partied,” he admitted.
Candid: Jeremy insists he ‘should be dead’ after years of abusing drugs and alcohol | VIPIRELAND.COM
“Last summer while Stephanie was pregnant, I was getting thousands of pounds to go partying, I was on a footballer’s wage. Week in, week out, I was getting paid £5,000 a night for nightclub PAs – and sometimes I was doing two or three a week.
“I remember blowing my nose in a €100 note and just throwing it on the ground. My ego was out of control – I didn’t save a penny of that money. My mind and my life was polluted. I lost track of myself,” he explained.
Jeremy, who has son Caben-Albi with girlfriend Stephanie Davis, also relived the days following his father’s sudden death in March.
“I found out the Caben situation, I was obviously delighted, but then my dad passed, my aunty passed a few days after, then I had trouble with Steph…,” Jeremy said.
“I had tried to move my life over to Liverpool, but then I had to come back as my dad’s dead. I was sitting in my room and having déjà vu, not processing the deaths, not grieving.
“I’m still grieving my mum, brother and sister to be honest. I put on this happy front but deep down I’m a hurt boy who hasn’t processed any of the deaths and I’ve lost my family.
“Suddenly I thought ‘I’m going to crack’. I knew it was time, before Caben can remember and grow to see his dad like this. I knew ‘I have to do something about this, I have to go in’,” he revealed.
“My dad used to say to me, ‘where there’s drink there’s trouble. You might have a good night, but there is a bad one waiting around the corner’. Alcohol just doesn’t agree with me, I don’t need it. My personality and charisma without it are good.
“All I want to do is be a family man and provide for my family, and leave that party boy behind. I want to be a father figure, and be a dad. With Caben, my mother, my brother, my sister, my dad, they’re all living through him.
“That’s my bloodline. That’s Caben. I grew up in a broken home, I don’t want that for my son.”
In rehab, Jeremy discovered that as well as losing his mum at such a young age, his relationship with his stepmother is also to blame for some of his deep rooted issues.
“A lot of my problems are deep rooted. When I moved in with my stepmum, I was a constant reminder that my dad had been in another relationship. I didn’t fit in. She could have been nicer to me.
“I’m like a wild animal, I got to do what I wanted from 15 so I’ve made mistakes. With my therapist I discovered about myself. I’m an alcoholic, I’m an addict. I don’t wake up and crave – I don’t need to use, I don’t need to drink. It’s when stuff goes back for me, I use it as a crutch.”
Unfortunately, Jeremy’s sobriety admittedly slipped two weeks ago when he left Stephanie and Caben-Albi and binged on vodka at a hotel in Liverpool before flying home to Ireland.
It was then when Jeremy began “self-sabotaging with angry outbursts and Tweets”, and he accused Stephanie of cutting up his clothes and speaking ill of his dead parents.
Speaking about his relapse, Jeremy said, “It was totally my fault and there are no excuses for what I did. I relapsed. When I pick up a drink or put up a tweet it’s self-sabotage, it’s self-harming. When I sense fear I tend to strike out instead of being able to deal with things.
“I’m very insecure. I’m scared of people leaving me. If I felt like Steph was going to leave me I would do something out of anger, like in the past. There’s no excuse, but a lot of my behaviour is irrational and I am working hard to change that.”
Jeremy admitted that he fell off the wagon after he and Steph got into a row after watching an old episode of Beauty School Cop Outs – the first reality show he appeared on three years ago.
“Steph and I decided to watch it – which was a ridiculous thing to do as I was kissing girls on the show. After we watched it we had a slight row. I would probably be peeved off if I watched my girlfriend kissing other people.
“One thing led to another. Snowball effect. We didn’t nip it in the bud in time. I felt alone in Liverpool so I locked myself away and took to the bottle.”
After two days of drinking, Jeremy finally came to his senses, “I felt massively terrible. It’s the last time I ever lift a drink again. I was two-and-a-half months sober, which for me was a massive achievement in my sobriety.”
“I was sloppy with my aftercare, I was busy with work and I wasn’t giving it the time that it needs. That won’t happen again, I will never forget the first time I saw my son and Stephanie after our time apart. The love I felt for them was overwhelming, that’s your future, that’s your life. We will always have that massive love, she’s the mother of my child.”
Although Jeremy and Stephanie’s relationship is constantly followed by drama, Jeremy insists that Stephanie knows the “real him”.
“People don’t know how lost I am as a person. Steph gets to see me behind closed doors. She knows the real me. When I was in Celebrity Big Brother, that was the real me. In the house you have limited access to alcohol, all you can do is talk within four walls and a ten foot square garden.
“I fell in love with that girl in the house. I wasn’t even smoking, the only reason I started doing it again was so I could spend more time with her. What happened in Big Brother was Jeremy. There was no acting.
“Stephanie and I are like chemicals – six days out of seven we’re totally fine but then there’ll be an explosion. When she was pregnant things got malicious between us, but it was all egos – we never stopped loving one another.
“I love her and she has always stood by me. She is my family now,” he added.
