Louise Thompson has admitted she fears she has “brain damage” after the traumatic birth of her son.
The reality star nearly died while giving birth to her first child Leo last November, and is still suffering from complications as well as PTSD.
In a lengthy post shared to Instagram on Wednesday, Louise updated her followers on her recovery, admitting she still feels “really ill” and is struggling with “normal life”.
She wrote: “Where am I at with my recovery?! MMmmmm. I’m at a weird stage now where I’m blocking everything out. Maybe I said that way back at the beginning? I can’t actually remember much because I’m still trying to protect myself from the pain. I don’t want to re-read. This condition feels very repetitive.”
“Finally it DOES feel like everything happened a long time ago but it also feels like it happened to someone else and not me. I kind of feel like I’ve erased my entire past and started life as a totally new person. A sometimes sick person.”
“People tell me how far I’ve come, but I can’t remember how far. I can remember a weird amount of things from my childhood… sensory things will remind me of the strangest memories from way back when I was 5-15, but then I’ve sort of erased everything between then and now.”
“Now that I mention it, sometimes ALL I can feel is sensory stuff, like the feeling I get when I go from a hot room to a cold room and it helps me connect to the world around me.”
Louise continued: “To put it bluntly I’m struggling to move on with ‘normal’ life. Every day I feel physically very unwell and every other day I seem to have an hour long period (sometimes longer) where I feel messed up in my brain – I don’t know what it is, but it feels like brain damage or a mini stroke.”
“Maybe it’s a weird processing experience. It feels like I’m either really REALLY low in some specific chemical/hormone or way too high. But either way I can’t think properly or talk properly during those episodes.”
“It sort of feels like I’m having a major allergic reaction to something in my brain. I go from feeling really low and agitated to then feeling a rush of something and then I get the worst cramping around my pelvis but then my brain levels out, a bit like the chemicals have been restored.”
The Made In Chelsea star added: “When Leo gets older and I have these brain breakdowns I’m going to have to find a way to ‘act’ normal because I don’t want him seeing me broken.”
She continued: “My system is still so out of balance. Last night I was up all night with the worst flu like symptoms. Agony to touch everywhere. I couldn’t lift Leo. I feel like I have inflammation all over my body, particularly in my neck, chest and brain.”
“I know I definitely have it in my gastro tract, but why is my entire neck and head so sore? And why do I have such weird nerve sensations all over the right hand side of my face. My mind has been EVERYWHERE and now I just want someone to fix me.”
“I know that I want to go back to being normal Louise so why won’t my body and brain just let me. As someone that is still trying to shift the label of ‘control freak’ this has been really hard to manage because I’m constantly seeking answers and am not getting very far.”
“I don’t think anyone I speak to can relate. Just when I think I might be turning a corner I find myself feeling really ill. That puts me right back in a bad place. Then I question : Will I ever feel healthy again? And more importantly will I ever be able to think like a normal person again?”
“I feel like I have a weird form of dementia,” Louise admitted. “If I think of stuff to do today I will completely forget that list tomorrow or even in an hour. In fact I might never remember it.”
“Nothing is ongoing. I started the ‘project’ of turning our top room into a child’s bedroom a few weeks ago and I only just remembered that I’d had meetings about it today. Surely that’s not normal? That can’t be baby brain?”
“These are major memory losses between large periods of time. [My fiancé] Ryan says I might need to rebuild my brain like a muscle post trauma. That sounds fun, NOT.”
“Sadly I’m struggling to exercise too. When I have tried recently I’ve felt really unwell the next day. Mainly mentally low but physically battered too. That was always my go-to cure for all ailments mental and physical but now it knocks me for six.”
The new mum admitted: “It’s getting really boring not being able to do the things I love, even with a bit of Leo help. I kind of dread my life, but then sometimes it’s manageable.”
“Sometimes I even have a really good time, but then when I’m in a bad place I can’t understand how I can have a good time at all. I just have to repeat this too shall pass. Sadly I can’t just pull myself out of the funk with happy thoughts or ‘feel good’ practises.”
“Sometimes I think, f*ck people must think this whole thing is a massive joke, because they will never EVER understand what it is like to have gone through what I’ve been through or to sit in my head for even a minute.”
“I can’t even believe I’m still banging on about it myself. There aren’t really words that take you there. Let’s just say I wouldn’t wish it upon my WORST enemy, not that I have any enemies.”
“Anyway, I will continue to plod along with this newfound patience, but sometimes I think gosh this is just bullshit. It feels very unfair. I think I have only just started to reach the anger stage too which is a bit strange for a typically unangry person.”
“I’m really angry that things got so bad and that I had to go through all of this. It makes me sick. It has come v close to destroying my family and my relationship and I’m angry because of that. I’m also irrationally angry at strange things 🫶🏼.”
“Now when I feel good I spend all my time with my Leo 🫶🏼 because I want to take the pressure off of Ryan because he is really struggling with his own PTSD etc. (which he has FINALLY admitted to me).”
“His has manifested in very different ways and he hasn’t started any treatment yet, but I hope when he starts it works a dream because I hate seeing him suffer. The amount of hurdles we’ve had to leap over just to get him seen, even privately, is MAD.”
Louise conclude the lengthy post by writing: “Soooo anyway … when I’m not feeling good and when I’m not with Leo my head goes funny, maybe because it has time to think. In those moments I feel like my brain is mush and I get frustrated because I want to be ON IT like I used to be.”
“I recognise now that I was actually pretty smart before and I was definitely an over-achiever. Now I’m a fraction of my former self. I think the stark change makes matters worse. The old milestones I set for myself feel so far off. V distant. Thankfully I worked hard and saved before. I can currently only really work on automation.”
“I have to say that previously I would have worried that I was boring people by droning on about this and worry that I was being too repetitive. I always thought I’d be too judged… I thought it was a space reserved for other people suffering that ‘deserved’ to share their hardships.”
“I don’t have the capacity to worry about shit like that anymore. Talking is helpful for myself and for others so I will continue to do so.”
“So to answer where I’m at now… I’m at a cross roads, I’m in an uncomfortable place. I don’t know where I want to go. But some good must eventually come from this.”
“I don’t know what I want to do with this experience. I had a meeting with my agent a few weeks ago which was lovely but also overwhelming, I suffered bouts of hysterical crying which seemed to come out of nowhere. I know I want to help myself and I want to help others but I don’t know how to do it yet.”
“The scope of the charity project I want to embark on is a bit too big for me right now. I kind of want to work but I’m also scared. I guess I just need to do what feels right and authentic and then I can’t go wrong.”
“My family think I should work because I loved it before. I don’t like people pushing me though. Hey, it sure as hell can’t make things any worse. And if this helps anyone else feel a bit more normal then I will get a bit of a kick out of that. How u doin?”
