Hayden Panettiere had opened up about her secret addiction to opioids and alcohol for the first time.
Speaking to PEOPLE, the former Nashville star confessed her addiction nearly destroyed her career as she said: “I was on top of the world and I ruined it.”
The 32-year-old spent years battling her addiction, and endured a devastating period of postpartum depression.
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“I’d think I hit rock bottom, but then there’s that trap door that opens.”
“I put a lot of work into myself and I had to be willing to be incredibly honest,” she said of her determination to get help.
“This hasn’t been easy and there were a lot of ups and downs, but I don’t regret even the ugliest things that have happened to me. I feel incredibly accomplished. And I feel like I have a second chance.”
Hayden claimed she was just 15 when her team began offering her “happy pills” to take before red carpet appearances.
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“They were to make me peppy during interviews,” the actress explained. “I had no idea that this was not an appropriate thing, or what door that would open for me when it came to my addiction.”
The 32-year-old was simultaneously balancing a blossoming career, while drinking alcohol and occasionally taking opioids.
“My saving grace is that I couldn’t be messy while on set and working,” said Hayden, who began starring as super-powered cheerleader Claire Bennet on ‘Heroes’ at the age of 16.
“But things kept getting out of control [off set]. And as I got older, the drugs and alcohol became something I almost couldn’t live without.”
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In 2014, Hayden was starring as troubled country singer Juliette Barnes on ‘Nashville’.
Her real-life pregnancy with her daughter Kaya was written into the show, and her character’s inner demons began to mimic her own.
“Those were really tough years,” the actress, who suffered from severe postpartum depression said.
“I could relate to a lot of those storylines like the alcoholism and postpartum depression. They hit close to home.”
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The actress didn’t drink alcohol while pregnant with her daughter, but fell off the wagon after she was born.
“I never had the feeling that I wanted to harm my child, but I didn’t want to spend any time with her,” she explained. “There was just this grey colour in my life.”
Her relationship with Kaya’s father Wladimir Klitschko, whom she began dating in 2009, began to fizzle out.
“He didn’t want to be around me,” she recalled. “I didn’t want to be around me. But with the opiates and alcohol I was doing anything to make me feel happy for a moment. Then I’d feel worse than I did before. I was in a cycle of self-destruction.”
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In 2018, the year ‘Nashville’ ended, Hayden made the tough decision to send her daughter to live with her father in Ukraine.
“It was the hardest thing I ever had to do,” she recounted. “But I wanted to be a good mom to her — and sometimes that means letting them go.”
Her drinking worsened, and she was hospitalised with jaundice.
“Doctors told me my liver was going to give out. I was no longer a 20-year-old who could just bounce right back.”
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Hayden eventually entered rehab for eight months, and admitted it helped her “get over the hump” of her addiction.
However, it wasn’t until recently that the ‘Nashville’ star finally found the peace she craved for years.
“It’s an everyday choice, and I’m checking in with myself all the time,” she said. “But I’m just so grateful to be part of this world again, and I will never take it for granted again.”
