Louise Thompson has revealed she’s suffering from PTSD, after the traumatic birth of her son Leo.
In November, the Made In Chelsea star almost died giving birth to her first child, and spent five weeks in hospital recovering from serious complications.
Taking to Instagram, the 31-year-old detailed her struggle with “depressive panic episodes”, as she shared a new snap with her baby boy.
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Louise wrote: “I can only write when I am not having a depressive panic episode and luckily right now I am not. My panic episodes can last hours or days and are totally unpredictable.”
“When I’m having one I can’t function, I can’t look after myself, let alone anyone else around me. I can’t even spell my name. I can’t see, I can’t hear, I can’t look anyone in the eye.”
“They have got so bad that I have convinced myself that I’m going crazy. I feel depersonalisation, hyper paranoia as if I’ve taken a million and one drugs and I feel like I’m stuck in another realm,” she continued.
“I am not myself. If my mind can’t find a physical problem then it will attach itself to a mental one. The other night I thought my head was actually going to explode open because my internal dialogue was so wild and overwrought.”
“I looked in the mirror and my eyes were blood shot. I don’t know whether the mental causes the physical or the other way around, but things seem to be getting worse. If it was a permanent state, I don’t think I would be here.”
“It’s frustrating that I can’t predict them because it means I can’t plan anything. Every day is so uncertain. What is certain is that I’m not thinking about anything negative, in fact I’m doing everything I can to try not to spiral… but my subconscious thinks that I’m dying all the time,” Louise confessed.
“I think I have boxed my experiences up and buried them, but they are coming back to haunt me. ALL THE TIME. My body and mind are in constant fight or flight mode and I quite literally will be triggered by anything.”
“The other day I looked in the mirror and noticed that the underside of my tongue was blue. I thought I was dying.”
The new mum then shared her “really bad physical symptoms”, including “pain, dizziness, fainting, temperatures, blood pressure issues, nausea, diarrhoea, adrenaline, heavy night sweats, and eye problems”.
“I spent New Year’s Day back in A&E and once again god bless the NHS for looking after me. But I need to remember that I’ve still come so far. Things were actually a lot worse. It doesn’t feel like it now but they were,” she continued.
“Before I was worrying about savage internal infections and scary blood test results, now I’m worrying about fatigue and memory loss. The trends are moving in the right direction and I’m weaned off all my meds.”
“I’m not even taking sleeping pills anymore because I’m worried about the psychogenic effects. I really want to be clean. When I have one full good day I celebrate it, but I’m actually scared about what is going to come next.”
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Louise then asked her followers: “Has anyone else been trapped in this world of PTSD? I know that everyone’s experience is different. In fact please don’t comment anything unless it is resoundingly positive because I’m not sure I can handle it right now.”
“If you are struggling with mental health problems, know that you are not alone. We are all in this together. Life can be a real beauty and a real tough b**** too,” she added.
Louise and her fiancé Ryan Libbey announced the arrival of their son Leo on December 23, five weeks after his birth.
Sharing the first photo of him on Instagram, Louise wrote: “The reason I have been absent for weeks is because I have been very unwell. 5 weeks ago I gave birth to my beautiful baby boy Leo-Hunter Libbey weighing in at 7lbs.”
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“Unfortunately it wasn’t the easiest start for either of us. One ended up in NICU and the other ended up in ICU. Whilst Leo made a fairly quick recovery, I have been recovering in hospital for a month with various serious complications.”
“In all honesty I never imagined that so many bad things could happen to me, but to dance with death twice brings a whole new view of the world – a stark reminder of how short and sacred life really is.”
She continued: “We need to start living, we need to start loving, we need to start enjoying every minute detail in life (certainly easier said than done when you’re stuck in mental and/or physical purgatory or dealing with serious illness, depression or the fear of the unknown), but if you DO have the capacity, then try and cling onto any nuggets of good… and please please please be grateful for good health.”
“The hard truth is that you don’t know how lucky you are to have it until it’s too late. The reality is that I am in a bit of a strange place mentally and physically and I might be for a while, but that’s just part of the me now and part of my recovery.”
“It’s not going to be easy or linear but thankfully I am being offered some very valuable psychological help and the good news is that I’m starting to experience some good hours as well as bad ones. (Sometimes living hour by hour is your only option).”
“I want to finish with some happy news 🗞… I have been given the green light and been discharged from hospital which means that i’m able to recover from the comfort of my own home for Christmas.”
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“For the first time in a month I actually see a future where I get to live peacefully on this earth with my son. I can’t wait to start our new journey together as a family of 3 and to start bonding little baby Leo.”
“A massive thank you to everyone who has kept us in their thoughts and prayers. It is working. More thank yous to follow. I’m too overwhelmed and a bit scared right now but I did want to send a prayer out to anyone who is also suffering and who might need love too.”
“Life can be cruel and Christmas can be hard. It’s a good time to remember those less fortunate… there are a lot of them. I’ve seen it,” Louise concluded her post.
