I know it’s nowhere near New Year, but I’ve already made a brand new resolution and I want to share it with you all.
Over the past few years I have overcome the biggest obstacles in both my professional and personal life, but there’s still one thing I can’t get right.
I survived years of trauma due to my revenge porn ordeal, I’ve smashed targets and accomplished goals with my business that most thought impossible, I’ve nearly lost everything and then built it back up again, I’ve met people and experienced things that others could only dream of. Every day, week, month, year I accomplish more and do better…but I still never feel good enough.
I said it in my last column that every entrepreneur suffers from imposter syndrome. We never think we’re good enough. My issue is that this way of thinking pours into my personal life too.
I started one-on-one boxing classes this month with Beat Boxing Dublin, and my trainer James summarised one of my main issues within just a few sessions.
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This week he was getting me to do three sets of twenty crunches and the pain felt too much, “I can’t, I’m going to die” I kept telling him. I kept saying “I’m going to die” over and over. “You’re not going to die stop saying that, you can do it” he shouted back.
As I lay on my back breathless taking a break before I went into my final set, he said every time I come in I talk down to myself. I keep saying I “can’t”, and continuously list out all of the things I’m doing wrong.
I was honestly on the verge of tears as he relayed all the negative things I had said about myself since I stepped in the door just that morning.
He told me that the harder I am on myself, the more difficult everything was going to be. He wasn’t just talking about our training sessions…
It got me thinking about how I speak to myself in general, how I rate myself and how I validate myself as a person.
Quite often I decide how good of a person I am based on how successful Goss.ie is. But most of the time I measure my worth on how the people I love treat me, and whether or not the people that I care about the most, care about me just as much. If I don’t feel loved, I don’t feel enough.
Whether it’s a business deal or a relationship, I will give every single part of myself in order to achieve success. I drain myself dry until I have literally nothing left to give.
I’ll cut to the chase right now, giving so much to any thing or any one will never get you true validation.
The deal will get done, the money will land in your bank account, your partner will tell you what you want to hear, and then what?
If you don’t love yourself or value yourself without these external factors, getting what you want in the moment will only give you a temporary high and then it’s back to square one and the chase begins again.
I’ve always felt that owning a business is akin to having an addiction (bare with me here). It takes up all your time, you make personal sacrifices to keep it going and even when it’s causing you stress and upset you just can’t stop.
I think it’s the same with relationships for me, I’m always chasing the high even when things are clearly wrong. If things have turned to s*** and I’m miserable, I just want things to get back to that one moment where everything was fine. The moment I felt safe and secure.
Landing an exclusive, scoring a major commercial deal, getting someone to like me back, they have all given me momentary validations that I seem to be unable to live without. Until now…
So what’s my resolution? It’s to finally start validating myself, all on my own.
If a business deal falls through or a relationship doesn’t work out, it no longer means I’m not enough. Measuring your worth on what other people think or how well your career is going is the most damaging, and unhealthy thing to do.
If I get a “no” in work or a “no” in love? It’s their loss. I’m f***ing great and whoever is reading this, let me tell you, you are too.
This isn’t a usual resolution like giving up smoking, cutting out sugar, or going to the gym more, but it is still the destruction of a detrimental habit for the construction of a healthy one.
If you wish you could do the same then join me, today is the day to change your life and start being happier all by yourself.