Phillip Schofield has admitted he was on the verge of a “total breakdown” before he came out.
The 58-year-old opened up about his sexuality for the first time back in February, and has since penned a book about his experience.
In his new memoir Life Is What You Make, the popular presenter reflected on the period of time that led up to his public coming out – admitting he was in an “extremely dark place”.
He wrote: “I had to come out. If I didn’t, the secret was going to give me a total breakdown… at best.”
Phillip admitted that the stress took a physical toll on him, leading to him vomiting and losing weight.
“My weight dropped, and as it hit 9st 12lbs – the This Morning viewers started to notice. I was getting tweets from people asking if I was ill.
“It was the first time my issues had spilled over into work,” he wrote.
“Another day I had to leave a fashion item to be sick. I now knew that I needed professional help.”
The This Morning presenter revealed that on his way to work one day, he forced the taxi driver to take him back home after a voice in his head told him: “You’re f***ing up everything and everyone and there’s no way to stop it.”
He messaged his wife of 27 years, Stephanie Lowe, to explain why he couldn’t go to work – as she was the only person who knew about his hidden sexuality at the time.
“I sat alone in the flat, staring at the walls, as This Morning started on the other side of London.
“It was a very stupid thing to do… all my closest friends knew how ragged my head was but no one except Steph knew why.”
Phillip admitted he “sobbed quietly in the dark” while watching the New Year’s Eve fireworks, and that he wished the flames would “consume” him.
“It’s like being inside the blackest cloud and being consumed by crushing, desperate sadness,” he explained, “Nothing and no one can make it better.”
Speaking about his marriage to Steph, Phillip said: “I didn’t know I was gay when I married Steph. If I had, I wouldn’t have got married.”
He admitted that while there wasn’t a “specific time or day” that he realised he was gay, he became “increasingly aware” of it in the past five years.
“When I eventually knew, so did she,” he added, hitting back at claims he had lied to his wife.
Phillip and Steph share two daughters, Molly, 27, and Ruby, 24.
He wrote: “When things got really dark, [Steph] reminded me how much they all loved me and that there was nothing that the four of us couldn’t cope with.”
Phillip came out as gay in an emotional statement released on social media, before sitting down with co-host Holly Willoughby to open up about his decision to come out.
The post read: “You never know what’s going on in someone’s seemingly perfect life, what issues they are struggling with, or the state of their wellbeing – and so you won’t know what has been consuming me for the last few years.”
“With the strength and support of my wife and my daughters, I have been coming to terms with the fact that I am gay.”
A statement from Phillip pic.twitter.com/iIE7NcLZ2I
— This Morning (@thismorning) February 7, 2020
“This is something that has caused many heart-breaking conversations at home. I have been married to Steph for nearly 27 years, and we have two beautiful grown-up daughters, Molly and Ruby,” he continued.
“My family have held me so close: they have tried to cheer me up, to smother me with kindness and love, despite their own confusion. Yet still I can’t sleep and there have been some very dark moments.”
“My inner conflict contrasts with an outside word that has changed so very much for the better. Today, quite rightly, being gay is a reason to celebrate and be proud. Yes, I am feeling pain and confusion, but that comes only from the hurt that I am causing my family.”
“Steph has been incredible – I love her so very much. She is kindest soul I have ever met. My girls have been astonishing in their love, hugs and encouraging words of comfort. Both mine and Steph’s entire families have stunned me with their love, instant acceptance and support.”
“Of course they are worried about Steph, but I know they will scoop us both up. My friends are the best, especially Holly, who has been so kind and wise – and who has hugged me as I sobbed on shoulder. At ITV, I couldn’t hope to work with more wonderful, supportive team.”
Phillip concluded his statement by writing: “Every day on This Morning, I sit in awe of those we meet who have been brave and open in confronting their truth – so now it’s my turn to share mine.”
“This will probably all come as something of a surprise and I understand, but only by facing this, being honest, can I hope to find peace in my mind and a way forward. Please be kind, especially to my family. Phillip.”
