Dawn O’Porter has said losing Caroline Flack was “absolute hell” in an emotional tribute.
The Love Island host tragically took her own life back in February, leaving her family and friends devastated.
Scottish writer Dawn revealed she had been gifted two Christmas baubles by some friends, one that had a photo of Caroline in it and one with a photo of her late cat Lilu.
Sharing a photo of the baubles to Instagram, the 41-year-old wrote: “They handed them to me as I was leaving the house to take the kids for a hike. I was so touched and so happy but I cried for the entire drive.”
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“Sometimes I just can’t keep it in. I can get catapulted back to around 7.30am on February 15th 2020 so easily.
“My body went into immediate shock. My head hurt. I couldn’t catch my breath. Awful. Actual hell,” she recalled.
“Caroline is always on my mind. But sometimes I get locked in grief so badly and I can’t get out.
“I don’t know when it will hit me and when it does, I’m down. Out for the count.”
“I’m writing this because I’ve learned it’s good to share it all,” the mother-of-two continued.
“Generally you talk about it less as time goes on. You can feel a bit bad for bringing it up when things are supposed to be jolly.
“But such a collective experience shouldn’t be private. It’s so awful and so sad. It doesn’t mean good life can’t happen around it. It also doesn’t mean that positive changes can’t occur because of it. That good lessons can’t be learned.
“That happy memories vanish. That perspectives can’t shift for the better. New friendships made. Which is all really nice.”
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“But it’s still the rawest form of agony. I think shock never really leaves your body. It changes you physically.
“Your nervous system remembers it and can put you back in that state at anytime. Not ideal when you’re driving your kids to the park. I had to pull over for a few minutes.”
Dawn admitted she tries to be grateful and “be in the moment” more, explaining: “I can see all the wonderful stuff so clearly. But that doesn’t make the sad stuff less sad.
“I miss my friend and my cat so very very much and no amount of gratefulness or being present makes that easier. Also, is it STILL 2020?”
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For our final episode of the Gosscast this year, Goss.ie Founder and CEO Alexandra Ryan chats with Goss.ie Editor Kendra Becker about the biggest stories of the year, the most read articles, and all the drama in between.
Take a listen:
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