Dawn O’Porter has admitted she felt “utterly destroyed” after Caroline Flack’s death.
The TV presenter sadly took her own life on February 15, at the age of 40.
Dawn writes about grief in her “accidental memoir” Life In Pieces, an emotion she became all too familiar with following the death of her close friend.
Speaking to The Irish Independent, Dawn admitted: “To lose someone so suddenly like that, it’s such a shock.”
“It’s like someone drives into your living room and then everything you have is just destroyed. I felt utterly destroyed.
“This is not a book about Caroline,” she added, “This is just a book about grief.
“I have never been so all-consumed in one emotion in my entire life as I was for months. Anyone who’s ever lost someone will know this feeling of just being winded. You just can’t catch a breath.”
Dawn admitted that she “doesn’t know what state” she’d be in if it wasn’t for her two children, Art and Valentine, who she shares with husband Chris O’Dowd.
“I had to hold myself together for them. Art was going through a lot – not allowed to see any of his friends or leave the house for so long.
“I had moments where I thought, should I be telling them, ‘Mummy’s really sad’. But I couldn’t. All I wanted to do was to be with Chris and the boys.
“I didn’t want to see anybody else. I didn’t want the world to be happening. I couldn’t have gone back to normal life.”
“They never saw me cry. I feel like I cried for three months. I don’t know how I hid all that.
“I used to go into my wardrobe and sob and sob and sob and then wipe my eyes and come out and go: ‘Right! Who wants a hot dog?'”, Dawn confessed.
“I think my PTSD from lockdown will be looking back on that contained feeling of grief. I just wanted to go and stand at the top of a mountain and scream but I couldn’t because I was locked in the house with two small children.”
Dawn admitted that it was her family that got her through the devastating loss: “Looking back, and I’m sorry this sounds so cheesy, but I think love literally got me through it.
“My husband and my kids and my family and knowing I had them, I just put everything into them. Everything I had into their happiness, into us all surviving lockdown. And that was it.”
“A lot of people in 2020 are dealing with grief, whether it’s because of coronavirus or something else,” she added, “There are people who haven’t had a chance to say goodbye to someone they love.
“Anyone who’s lost someone this year has been through something extraordinarily hard. And our experience of grief was unfair, and really, really difficult. I think when we will come out of this, there will be a sense of unity that wasn’t there before.”
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On this week’s episode of #GossChats, Goss.ie Founder Alexandra Ryan chats to Jackie Fox – who lost her daughter Nicole to suicide after being cyber bullied.
Jackie talks about her fight to get Coco’s Law brought into legislation in Ireland – a new law that will make online bullying a criminal offence.
WARNING – episode contains discussion about self-harming and suicide. If this interview affects you in any way please contact Pieta House.
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