Breaking up with someone is never easy. Thankfully, I’m very well versed on the scenario and I’m here this week to give you some advice, and tips, on how to get over the breakup.
I know when I broke up with my ex, (LOL he broke up with me.. twice), I wish someone had given me a mini bible to go by. Instead, I wrote my own. By the way, for full disclosure, you can find my ex here. Like I said, YOU can find him. I… have been blocked xoxo.
Breaking up with someone is shit. I mean, it’s shit for you. For us single girls it’s great, because it means we’ll get our men in what I like to call ‘the second round’. You’ve just released a whole new world of fresh meat to our Saturday nights. Perfectly groomed, slightly damaged and aged.
You might look back on this in a year and think “Shit. I made him read that stupid dating column and now he’s dating her”. He could be reading this with you right now. (Hi boo, I’ll see you soon. )
There are a few things I did, going through a breakup period that I think were vital for my moving on, and I cannot stress enough how you need to do these things.
For instance, after breaking up with your boyfriend, you might think it’s mental to go on a holiday with them. I say, you’re mental for thinking that. Close and confined spaces with your new ex is the only situation you need to be in. Pretend that you’re happy, play I never and find out awful stories, and have an absolute ball. I’m telling you, it’s a scream.
Another thing I definitely do not regret doing is trying to get over my ex quickly. I’m so glad I did it. If I could suggest anything, it would be to go to Berlin with the girls and have an amazing time. Now remember it is KEY to make it look even better on Facebook (I’ll teach you how in a few minutes).
I ended up going to some absolute shithole of a club, and because it was the last night, I said f**** this, I’m scoring someone because I’m single and I certainly wasn’t crying three hours ago. So I got talking to a lovely English guy and I ended up scoring him.
Here’s where you need to take note….You are not going to get over your boyfriend if you just score the guy. You have got to, and I repeat, GOT TO, cry while doing so. Now, was I crying because I was single or because I felt like my tongue was being sucked into a McFlurry machine? I can’t tell you.
I went back to the girls and told them how horrific it was and that I wanted to go home. But they were right, I needed to go back. So off I went, and for the second time, I kissed him. And for the second time, I cried. To this day I wonder if he could feel my tears.
Of course after a breakup there are the standard rules you have to follow. You block him, you unblock him, he blocks you, he unblocks you, you turn up at his house, he calls the gardaí. It’s all protocol.
I had the genius idea one night to be the bigger person, and instead of blocking him, because I am a mature adult, I would just hide his friends on my newsfeed so I wouldn’t see anything that might upset me.
So I made the group ‘Dread’, and added his friends to it. I would then be able to custom fix my settings and hide said ‘Dread’ from seeing anything. Genius.. You would think. It was only after a good hour that I realised, adding these people to a group wasn’t how you go about hiding them. No, in fact, adding them to a group meant they all got a notification. A notification saying ‘Orla McConnon has added you to the group ‘Dread’. You should try that out. You really just come out of it looking absolutely, 100% emotionally stable. You couldn’t make this shit up. It actually happened.
Social media is 100% the worst thing about a break up. It’s so easy to look them up and stalk their life without them knowing that you still care. Gorge…
What I found to be the best for my mental health was to think that no matter who the girl is, your ex is f***ing them. That girl in thebackground of his profile photo? He’s f****ing her. The girl that just liked his instagram? F***ing her. The woman 30 years older than him who wished him good luck in his exams? F***ing her. The girl he once said was his cousin but now you’re questioning everything? He’s f***ing f***ing her.
But social media is also a great way to make yourself look good and you can’t do that without doing the following…
It’s best that, no matter what, you check yourself in to every single place you are, ESPECIALLY if there are any men around. We’re not messing around here girls, jealousy is key.
And it’s not that you want to leave a trail for him to find you. But maybe you should, just in case. You need to look like you’re going out and having fun. And, it’s so totally believable, because even though you haven’t seen a Saturday night out since the last decade, and your weekends revolve around The X Factor, it’s only a coincidence that you’ve found your new found fun and rediscovered your low tolerance of vodka.
The best trick, I have always found, is to force your best friend to get onto Facebook, and make them leave you a comment saying “You home yet?”. Forget the haters for saying they could have text you this, or the fact that you didn’t even go out last night, and The X Factor and a spice bag are still your life. No one needs to know the truth. Because, you my dear, are fun now.
I know you’re probably wondering what “fun” is. To meet the fun requirements on a night out, you must upload a minimum of 5 selfies, the majority must be with the opposite sex, or with your least attractive friend. Think Hun. Do Fun. Be Stun. If you don’t send a snapchat with the caption ‘SHOOOOOOTS’, then you are not Fun Bobby, and lastly, you must make your friends snap you the next morning, with your clothes from the night before still on.
They need to ask you “What did you get up to last night” and if you do not reply with a sheepish and faux embarrassed “Stop it”, leading everyone to believe that we know exactly what you got up to, then quite frankly, you have not listened to a word I have said.
There are some girls who are really going to take this on board, and fair play. What I say is, go with your gut, or whatever is your drink of choice forthe night, and if you feel like a ride with a randomer on your night out, go for it. Nothing quite like a lonely, empty ride with a guy who hasn’t a clue what he’s doing to take the edge off your crippling anxiety.
There are some good sides to heartbreak though, I must admit. With a broken heart comes a rockin’ body, and a lack of appetite that won’t quit. I’ve never been so miserable and hot at the same time. Now I’m just miserable LOL.
Thankfully, when I had the rockin’ body it gave me the confidence to have sex. With my ex. All the time. Because, when you say “I don’t love you”… I hear: “I want you back”.
People say it’s bad to do this, but I don’t know guys? If I hadn’t done it, I wouldn’t be over it and I’d end up talking about it years later and doing something manic, like writing an entire column on it for one of Ireland’s biggest websites.
As far as I’m concerned, if you haven’t slept with your ex, you’re not doing this break-up right.
So what have I learned from my breakups?
1. Men are ticks
2. If you’re going to cry while scoring someone, it’s probably best to only do it the once.
3. If you’re going to accidentally let his friends know you’re putting them in a group, maybe have the name a little less obvious.
4. Falling in love isn’t worth it, and you’re best to just close your legs and never look at a man again until your Priest is giving you the last rights.
5. The most important thing I have learnt is, no matter what- DON’T BE CRAZY.
Til next Sunday,