There is nothing more sobering than being on Tinder, after exhausting every other app on your phone, swiping and swiping, not seeing one person you’d even consider matching, and realising.. This is your life.
It’s Tuesday, it’s 1 am, you’re lying in bed and you’re on Tinder. Or so I’ve heard, I mean I wouldn’t have a clue, but yeah, I’ve heard it’s rough.
I must admit, I was quite late to the Tinder game. When it first exploded, I had a boyfriend and when we broke up, I just wasn’t arsed. The thought of starting a conversation with a guy on Tinder was petrifying and I just wasn’t able.
I’m happy to report that that is still the case. Some of my opening one liners have included gems such as:
“You’re through to the live shows!”
“You’ve only got one chance do not miss this chance to blow, this opportunity comes once in a lifetime” (Yes that is an Eminem quote…).
And my personal favourite “Hi there, really liked your bio. Think you could be a perfect fit. Would love to discuss this further with you? Are you available for interview in the coming days? Informal chat. But if you can bring the relevant documents for my superior I would greatly appreciate it. Look forward to hearing from you. Best, Orla”.
It’s all game: My Tinder experience hasn’t been great
Surprisingly, the Eminem quote got a reply. Unsurprisingly, the other’s, didn’t. Needless to say I’m now understanding the silence from the other end of the phone.. Listen, I warned you all last week I wasn’t going to help any of us nab a fella.
Apart from my horrific attempts at making small talk, my experience of Tinder has been grand. I’d give it a 4 out of 10, quite like most of the guys on it. What I can’t get my head around is that people are going on dates from Tinder.
I mean, Jesus Christ, I find it hard enough to get a reply, how are these people going on so many dates?
I’ve been on a few dates from Tinder, some were fantastic, some were awful. And today, I’m diving into the down right horrific.
I decided after many failed conversations it was time to bite the bullet and go on a date with a guy who shall remain nameless (Sean). Sean and I had been talking for a good two weeks when we decided to go for drinks.
He wasn’t really my type and I’ll be honest he wasn’t exactly my preferred type of banter, but he seemed nice and if I’m being real, I just wanted to go and get the first Tinder date over with because I was planning many. Lol at that, sitting here still single.
We planned on meeting on Saturday after I finished work in town. Grand you say. No, nah. Because I went and got absolutely hammered on the Friday. I died a death on Saturday. The fear of a hangover plus a looming date is something I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy. My manager, in the end, went and got a bottle of wine and drank it with me as I got ready, to calm the nerves.
Before I continue, I really want to stress that I am not that picky. It might sound like it, but I’m honestly not. In fact I would go as far to say that after a sniff of drink the standards drop significantly, and soon after that…so do the the pants.
On my way to meet him he rang me to say where he was. You know when a friend is like ‘Are you not worried they might have a weird voice?’ and you think ‘God no, sure I’d never think of that’. Dya know when you do have to think about it? When she’s right.
I met him in the outside seating area of a bar, sweatin’ with the nerves, gasping for a pint. There he was sitting in a zippy with a pint in front of him. I sat there for 20 minutes waiting for a drink and I’d say 24 hour labour would go by quicker. Honestly there is nothing more awkward. He was sitting looking at me, I was sitting looking at him.
The minute I sat down I knew it wasn’t really going to be a great night, so I did what I do best. Drank…
The whole thing was just so awkward. At one point, while describing to me how the crowd loved his DJ set he was playing at a recent gig, he put his hand to his ear and ‘spun the deck’ like he was actually djing in front of me while saying ‘Wreck it’.
Then, he stood up, threw his hands in the air, and shouted ‘THANK YOU’ while he spun and clapped. I was mortified. The whole thing was a disaster. He talked about himself too much, I bought all the drinks, we had nothing in common, and quite frankly he was annoying.
So, without wanting to be rude… I slept with him.
The best part about the whole thing was the McDonald’s I bought for both of us the next day.
I wasn’t feeling it at all but I was writing back mainly out of politeness, a lot of me thinking I could force myself into liking him. So I went out that night with the girls and it was the next morning, when I woke up in my own bed that I received the text no girl should ever receive.
Now I know you’re thinking he’s written something so mean, so nasty. God no. What he did was more inconceivable than that. He sent me a voice note. And not just any voice note- one of him singing. The song of choice was Blink 182 ‘All The Small Things’.
A band, that if he had been listening to me at all during our drinks, he should have known, I hate. So he sang the song, then paused for some dramatic effect so he could air drum, and then said ‘Ha ha, I know all the words and you don’t’. I don’t care how drunk he was, no girl should ever have to experience that.
As I lay in my bed, hungover, listening to this tripe on my phone, the fear and hatred consumed me and I curled up into a ball, the self pity over-whelming. I called a group meeting to see if I could get some understanding into this heinous message. Maybe this is standard post-Tinder date protocol? They assured me it 100%, positively, was not, and to get out now.
My biggest regret of the whole thing was deleting the message. I literally couldn’t live with myself knowing it was on my phone. I probably could have gotten onto Mark McCabe and made a whopper remix out of it but sure.
Typically, Sean messaged me a few times after this. I didn’t reply to the first few because I wasn’t f****d and didn’t want him to think I was into it when I wasn’t. In the end I decided to text him back because I’m a nice person and also because I was texting another guy who was an absolute ride and i believe in dating karma.
So, I did the mature thing and decided to write back to him. After much deliberation I went with my gut.. ‘New fone, hu dis?’
So what did this all teach me about Tinder dates? Exactly 5 things:
- Always think their ugliest photo is them at their best
- Always have a lot of cash in your purse cos ya never know what tight fuck you could be going with
- Always be prepared that their voice could sound like they’re on helium
- It’s probably best not to sleep with them out of awkwardness
- Trust nobody.
What I have discovered about Tinder in general? Irish girls use Tinder in the hopes of finding a boyfriend. The rest of the world use Tinder in the hopes they’ll get the ride that night. Simple as.
I’d like to think of myself as quite the method journalist (I didn’t even have this column at the time, but say nothing), so when I went to LA a couple of months ago, I decided to test my theory out.. It turns out you can have some really fun Tinder dates too, but you’ll have to stay tuned to hear all about that!
Til next Sunday,