Christmas is all about pulling crackers, and I’m not talking about at the dinner table, AM I RIGHT LADIES? To be fair, I just wanted to make that joke. Chances are whoever you pull is going to be mediocre at best, and the only reason you pulled him was because he was the only one in his group of friends that was capable of more than a grunt on his 12th pub.
Because it is party season, and there are a number of activities planned, you are almost 100% guaranteed to pull someone.
Us women might pretend we love a man in a good suit, but come Christmas, it’s all about the tacky Christmas jumpers. It’s a scary thought that a knitted Rudolph and a few fairy lights can get a girl raring to go, but it’s also one of the truest.
Whether it be a Christmas ball, 12 pubs or a family gathering- you’re getting the shift at Christmas. But if there’s one place where it is a sure thing you’re going to get some action- it’s your work Christmas party.
General tips I would give for a Christmas party would include, but would not be limited to: Getting so drunk that you make an absolute show of yourself in front of all the major bosses in the company. After all, who needs a good reputation anyway? If possible, when you are dancing, you should make wanking motions and at the same time manage to lock eyes with your manager. (This is an excellent exercise in team bonding.)
Another great tip to remember is, if you’re not walking out of the party like Bambi, you didn’t do it right.
But we’re talking about pulling at the party and while all of the above will DEFINITELY work, I’ve got some more ideas. Said ideas may have helped me pull a certain someone..
So there’s a guy you’ve had your eye on for a while in work. You haven’t really chatted loads, but you know he’s single, and that you are good to go.
Step One- The night before the party text him and ask him if he’s coming. Most people would say he might be freaked because you have never text him before, and he has no idea how you got his number, but I say subtlety is key.
Step Two- In a blind panic book a room last minute for double the price everyone else got it for. Later in the night when he questions why you booked the room because you live down the road, laugh nervously and down your drink until you start choking.
Step Three- Before you head to the party, down a bottle of wine so you lose all control of your moral compass and you have something to blame your actions on.
Step Four- Look at your outfit and take one item of clothing off. Only wearing a dress? Well then goodbye Penney’s bra. If you wanna get the D you’re about to show some B.
Step Five- When you eventually make it to the party, decide that you hate the piece of shit because you saw him score Carla from HR. But then get him on his own and gobsmack him anyway. Why? Because that is step five. And also because the 400 euro you spent on the honeymoon suite isn’t going to waste.
I have the utmost faith in you that you can pull this off. I’m so confident, I’d nearly say you could pull two guys in the one night. Worrying about whether you can execute the plan however is not what you need to be stressed about. What you need to be prepared for is the fear of the following Monday. Because, remember this- it is never worth it.
I have a very simple process to coping when I’m not coping at all. Firstly, the next day when I’m in the safe surroundings of my own bedroom, I like to call my support group, Domino’s Pizza and order my weight in food.
The excessive sugar and salt helps to balance my fear, and replaces the shakes with the sweats. In the long run, this won’t make you feel better at all. In fact, you’ll feel ten times worse. But the glimmer of hope between making the order and it being delivered is the only beacon of light you’re getting today, my friend.
Next, it’s time to prepare. The regret is going to sweep over you like a wave. The flashbacks will come in their tens and your snapchat story isn’t going to delete itself. Not only have you scored Dave who has gone from a solid 9 to a 2 in hours, but you also have just remembered slagging off your boss when he was right beside you.
You have absolutely no interest in Dave from accounting anymore. In fact, I would go as far to say that Dave from accounting turns your gut, and you hate him for being foolish enough to fall for your plan. But Dave isn’t done yet I’m afraid. At around 6 pm you’ll get a text. He’s probably going to use an emoji so bent, you’ll start questioning his sexual orientation. And then exploring your options too while you’re at it. Ignore the text and sleep until Monday, you’re in no fit state to think about this for any longer.
On Monday morning, there’s only one rational thing you can do. Ignore him. Dave who? Nah, I don’t know a Dave. Think ‘new face, who dis’ when he inevitably comes up to your desk. Don’t acknowledge the text, don’t acknowledge him- just keep the head down. Tell yourself that how is he to know that you have no memory of what happened? For all he knows I could have suffered temporary amnesia and have forgotten everything that happened at the weekend. Unfortunately, life isn’t that convenient, but how is he to know that?
At lunch time people will start asking you about the party, and where you ended up. This is where the games begin, and may the odds be forever in your favour.
You see, there’s going to be Sarah who knows nothing, but is a lovely girl and is just hoping you had a lovely night. There’s Laura, who knows everything that happened, but also knows you are absolutely scarlet, so she’ll keep schtum. And then there’s Debbie. Debbie is the office dickhead.
She’s notorious for short changing everyone in the office, she’s been in the same role since she was 18 and she’s 45 and still lives with her parents. Debbie knows damn well what went on with you and Dave. Debbie has actually managed to speak to Dave, something you’ll never be doing again. Yet Debbie is playing dumb, hoping to catch you out because she can’t pull to save her life and wants everybody to be as bitter and twisted on the inside, like her. Denial here is key, because you are not a glutton for punishment, despite what your mother tells you.
The final process in the Christmas party aftermath is resigning in the evening with immediate effect. There is literally no other option. You have ruined all chances of ever coming to work carefree, and quite frankly, you have ruined your career.
Everybody is judging you, and it’s easier to wallow in your own self pity than be an adult and get over it. A quick and painless resignation is what you need. Maybe people will think you died. Of course, the following day you will retract said resignation, and maybe even say Dave hacked your email and sent it as a joke in the hopes he gets fired instead. Remember maturity is key.
I would also like to take this opportunity to say as I’m working on my own this year, I am open to Christmas party invites, ok cool, thanks.
Until next week!