Home Features #SingleInTheCity: This Is Why I’m Not Just ‘Settling’ For ANY Guy

#SingleInTheCity: This Is Why I’m Not Just ‘Settling’ For ANY Guy

Orla is back with her hilariously honest column

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You might find this mental, but I actually have standards. I know, insane. And I think it’s important to note that anyone can get a boyfriend or girlfriend at any point. But you’ll be settling. And there’s a big difference between settling at 2.30am on a Saturday, and settling for life.

There’s no point being a gas bitch if you’re with a guy who’s a big dry bollocks.

I mean, I know personally, my favourite comedian is myself (I literally cried laughing at my own joke last night) but I don’t want to be wasting this good material on someone who gets hard watching The Antique Roadshow.

As I’ve talked about previously, I like to go with the ‘act like a f***ing weirdo’ approach. Basically, it means that on Tinder, (or real life, I don’t ever restrict myself), I say things that are borderline psychotic but if they have a good sense of humour they’ll get it. I would probably advise for you all not to do what I’m doing though, seeing as I’ve been testing it out for over two years now and well, it hasn’t worked. But God loves a trier. And unfortunately I have tried it out quite a lot.

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Years ago I went out with my friend to Barcode, a place where I made many mistakes. This particular night, we were drinking in mine and decided last minute after a bottle of wine each, to go out. When we got there, we were straight on the shots. Of course, Dublin being Dublin, I bumped into a guy I was in college with. We were chatting away and next thing we were scoring.

Well. I thought it would be GAS to follow up the score with ‘OMG so are you my boyfriend now?’. Do ya know who didn’t find it funny? Him. I will never get over the look on his face. It looks quite similar to his latest profile picture actually, and you can find that right here. We have never spoken since.

If you haven’t guessed it already, when I’m with a guy I think is a ride I announce it to the world and make sure everyone within a 20 mile radius knows about it. The only problem with this, is that you get caught out for being a creep pretty quickly. The worst is when you catch yourself out though. So I was seeing this guy, sort of, kinda, briefly, and he was a big filthy ride. So that night I was out with the girls and he was going to come and join us. I, of course, in my drunken, smug state, dug out a photo of him from his Facebook and passed it round, what might as well have been, the entire club.

That was fine, the girls drooled, he arrived and we continued on with the night. Later on when we were getting a taxi back to his, I went to show him something on Facebook. I opened the app and there he was, sitting pretty in Thailand in 2013. He saw, I saw. I wanted to die, he was very confused. Needless to say, we don’t talk anymore either.

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Sometimes though, there can be different types of deal-breakers. For instance, there are some words that I cannot stand. And I mean, my stomach turns and my opinion of you changes fairly quickly if you say it. For me the word is… smelly. I’m actually fucking disgusted at myself for even typing that. Anyway, I was texting this guys for a good two or three months. We kept meaning to go on dates but I kept going out and getting locked and either didn’t want to leave the sesh, or I was far too hungover.

The guy was lovely, a proper catch. That was until one day when he text me and described the place he worked in as s*****. I swear to good God, I never ever replied. It was ruined, the entire thing was ruined. There was absolutely NO NEED to use that word. Or, let’s be honest, to even tell me that to begin with. Years later we actually did get together, but I will never forgive him.

It’s almost, ALMOST, as bad as the time I was accused of having a dick. That’s happened to you too though? Right?? I met this guy on tinder, and he was fairly fab tbh. Now looking back, he makes my skin crawl, but if you didn’t know him or speak to him, you’d think your Christmas’ had come at once. We were chatting for a few weeks, and to be honest he seemed like a bit of a knob, very cocky and not banter. I had just come back from holidays though, and was still on a bit of a sunshine buzz, so I messaged away and ya know, it was handy. We tried to meet up on nights out but we were always going to different places, and I wasn’t really arsed if I’m being honest.

So one night I was outside Coppers, after it ended and down the road he walks. We both see eachother and he comes over to say hi. And what followed was the most awkward exchange of words in the history of the world. His sounded like he had been inhaling helium all day while being electrocuted. There was almost a T-Pain vibe off of him. For someone who appeared to be so confident, his nervous laughter would tell you otherwise. So off he went for food, after warning me I better get some too because ‘we know what happened last time I didn’t get food’. Neither of us knew what that meant, so it was also followed by a nervous giggle. When I got in the taxi with my friend, my phone went off. The message read ‘I don’t get why you’re single. plzzzzzzz don’t have a dick’. I’m not fucking kidding, it literally said that. As if the poor guy had been burned before.

There’s a story there for sure. Well that was the end of that. My silence led him to believe I was playing a game, but he soon stopped texting me and got the hint. Absolute mentaler.

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So what have I learnt about deal-breakers?

Acting like a weirdo might get you some funny stories, but it won’t get you a fella.

Asking a guy if he’s your boyfriend after you score him for the first time is imperitive, because it weeds out the dull, humourless commitment-phobes. 

If you’re going to show off a guy, you should save the photo to your phone instead of going on their Facebook that night.

There are probably only 7 guys in Dublin with voices weird enough to be deal breakers and i have met 2 of them. 

Apparently something happened to me one time I got food and I wasn’t in on the joke.

Until next Sunday,

Orla x