I am the best. If you know me, you know that I am the best at everything. I always see people looking at me in awe on the streets. The can see how best I am. I don’t blame them though. Sometimes, I catch myself in the mirror and can’t look away.
Here are just some of the things I am best at:
- playing the violin
- anger management
But I will admit, my only flaw, is my budgeting. You see, ‘stable’ isn’t really a word that people would use to describe me- emotionally, and certainly financially. I really feel the pinch of my purse strings when I’m breathing. All day, everyday. I just have zero discipline and live my life with a ‘treat yo’self’ attitude. Christmas is particularly hard, because there are so many people, so many presents.
You would think I’d be prepared, oh I dunno why? Because it happens every single year. But no. Not me.
Christmas 2015 hit me fairly hard and I decided that in 2016 I was going to turn my life around, and this time it would last longer than 5 days. These are the examples of what I did.
I decided to put €20 aside per week so that I can have a small little savings nest. Want that dress in Zara? Saved for it. Wanna go on a weekend away with the girls? Saved for it. Wanna head on a spa day? You can’t cos you didn’t fucking save for it. Because I don’t want to be an adult. Some people like to save their money, I like to eat it. ‘Oh I thought you were planning on going to Abu Dhabi to visit the girls?’. ‘Yeah I was, but I went to Eddies four times in one week instead’.
Once I realised saving the income I already had wasn’t going anywhere, I decided I needed to find another source of income. I could make a joke about selling my body and becoming a prostitute, but LOL apparently no one wants my body in that way. Instead I have been approached by two friends asking if I would be their surrogate. Listen, I’m ruling nothing out.
I decided to do a lash extension course so I could make some money on the side. It’s been going really well, except for the fact that my main clients are my sister and my best friends and I don’t charge them. So, with a minus in profit, I decided to buy more equipment and now have a big, expensive, fuck off massage table in my front room, and zero time to do anyones lashes. Business savvy to the core.
In April we went off to Coachella. We had gone the year before, so we knew what to expect and what we could cut corners on. The year before we spent an absolute fortune on clothes and general travel bits that we 100% didn’t need. So this year I decided to recycle some old outfits and just bring the bare minimum toiletries, and I’d buy them over there. Well, if ever a plan was to fail. Not only did I not recycle an outfit to save money, I also TOOK OUT A LOAN. Oh yeah, big time. Because that just makes total sense.
In keeping with our savings theme, we decided it would probably be best to look up everywhere the Kardashians eat in LA and Vegas, and only eat there. This resulted in us eating some of the best food I have ever had. It also meant that we were spending $150 in one sitting. The Malbec is $75 per bottle? I’ll take two. Do I regret it? No. Did I pack on the weight? Absolutely.
When I came home, I knew something had to give. So I cancelled my health insurance. And then my phone insurance. If there was another form of insurance I had that I could cancel, I’d get rid of that too. Pension? Sure I’m only fresh out of the womb. I won’t be needing that anytime soon.
In the Summer, I had a feeling my ‘new me’ plan wasn’t working. So I had a brainwave. And just like that, I left my job. I was sick of having a steady income and a chance to potentially save. I needed something more. The chase. And there is nothing more thrilling and addictive like the chase of an invoice. That feeling of checking your online banking and seeing the money still isn’t there. Divine.
So what are my top tips for you all to start saving?
Take out a loan. Live like a Kardashian and deal with the repercussions after.
Once you have the loan secured, quit that job.
A course on the side is a great way to make some extra cash. If you ever start charging.
Our hips are made for birthing girls, and when money is tight..
As sound as an investment you think it is at the time, Eddie Rocket’s is not who you should be throwing your money away at. Unless it’s between the hours of 00:00 and 23:59.
Until next week,